It's been a quiet couple of weeks at NerdLove Industries, without much in the way of news to report. So let's leap straight into it:

For The Love Of God, Your Date Isn't "Testing" You

As part of my overall gig as a dating coach and advice columnist, I read a number of subreddits about dating and relationships as a way of seeing what’s in the zeitgeist and what issues come up regularly and how people respond to those issues. This habit may be good for work but it’s not good for my forehead as I slam it repeatedly into my desk until it takes on a fine wooden veneer that I could polish to a fine sheen with some mineral spirits.

To spare what remains of my workspace from blunt force trauma, could I make just one teeny, tiny suggestion to folks that would cut at least half of all relationship drama to zero? NOT EVERYTHING IS A GODDAMN TEST.

The cute photo the woman you’ve been seeing isn’t a test. The time someone takes to respond to your text isn’t a test. In fact, most things that people do aren’t a test. I don’t know how to tell you this but people aren’t asking riddles or acting like weirdos in order to prove points or determine your SMV or whatever. Nobody has the time or energy for that.

Most “tests” are nothing of the sort. Most of the time, what people hold up as “tests” are one of three things:

1. A legitimate conflict of some sort

2. A misunderstanding or miscommunication on someone’s part

3. Two people’s differing desires for a particular outcome.

(There is one exception: if a man invites a woman on a date at a particular date and time, and she counters with a different day or time. Sometimes this is a test; specifically, “how will this person respond if they don’t get what they want?” This is incredibly low stakes for the man, but unfortunately, high stakes for a woman.)

The fact that people continue to insist that people are “testing” their partners (prospective or otherwise) goes a long way to explain why straight dating feels like you’re being asked to play Russian Roulette.

As I’ve mentioned before and elsewhere, I got my start in the pick-up scene in the early 00s, where the concept of “shit-tests” were codified – the idea that women act in certain ways, usually dismissively or antagonistically, in order to “test” whether you were actually confident or had enough social value to be attractive. The proper response, according to the various gurus of the time, was to “plow through” these tests in order to show that yes, you were in fact the Alpha Male that you were pretending to be.

It shouldn’t be much of a surprise to anyone playing along at home that most ‘shit tests’ were actually “this person isn’t interested, doesn’t like you and doesn’t want to be bothered.” But by reframing it as a “test”, it creates a permission structure for the high-value man to ignore someone’s lack of interest and keep pushing.

It… worked about as well as you might expect.

Now, I mention this anecdote, not because of how it was teaching people to ignore “soft no’s”, but because of the way it frames meeting and interacting with people: as a contest of dominance, where one person is actively looking for reasons to reject another person.

It’s also not restricted to the PUA/Manosphere either; there are just as many voices telling women to do the same thing. The Rules, written in the late 90s, famously told women to fake being busy so they didn’t seem too available, to always put barriers between themselves and their date, never tip your hand or really to just let someone know that you like them at all, really.

It shouldn’t really be a surprise then that people keep asking if the straights are ok.

Look, as frustrating as I find it, I do understand the point of this. It’s not just control and dominance for dominance’s sake (though that is a part of it). Nor is it about the Manosphere twin boogeymen of hypergamy and getting cuckolded. It’s about fear.

Dating and relationships require that you make yourself vulnerable to another person and that sort of openness can be scary. You are deliberately exposing yourself to someone and that means that you can get hurt. There’s an understandable fear of being vulnerable to the wrong person, of making the wrong choice or simply the fear that you will make this call and it will backfire on you. The idea of testing people or that they’re testing you is about relieving that fear; it’s about maintaining the illusion that you have control, that it’s possible to eliminate the risk of being hurt by being hypervigilant. It’s game theory being weaponized as a dating strategy, with absolutely no irony and no concept of how alienating and dehumanizing it is.

The problem is that this works against the very nature of a relationship and having a partner. The idea that men and women can, do and should “test” each other posits a world where dating and relationships are an antagonistic experience, where conflict is inevitable and one party will “win”. What do they win for playing these stupid games? Well Bob, they win a fabulous collection of stupid prizes, including “being alone on a Saturday night”, “Being dumped like fifth period French,” and “an increasingly toxic relationship with a shocking dearth of trust, collaboration and connection”.

The idea that your date is “testing” you creates an antagonistic frame, in which you cannot trust the person you are trying to build a relationship with. You cannot let your guard down, you cannot be honest, and you absolutely can’t show weakness. You can’t let them know what you think or how you feel because that gives them leverage that they will use to… do something. What? Who knows? Something awful probably. And if there’s even a 1% chance that it’s true then you must treat it as an ABSOLUTE certainty because…
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Well, at least partially because rage bait and fearbait do really well in social media algorithms, but mostly just “because”.

That’s not a relationship. That’s just an ulcer waiting to happen, as two people keep stare each other down like a pair of gunslingers, hands never straying far from their holsters.
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Here is the truth: gentlemen, women aren’t “testing” you. Women aren’t pre-rejecting you. People aren’t looking for The Best Possible Option like they’re trying to find a new washing machine, they’re looking for someone they like, someone they can share a life with. Going on a date is inherently an act of optimism, the triumph of hope over experience. If someone is on a date with you or is interested in you, they’re not trying to find reasons not to be, they’re hoping beyond hope that you are the last person they’ll have to date. In its best form, a date is a collaborative experience, with both people wanting to see if this person is a good match for them.

The best option possible is very simple: go into each date and each relationship in good faith, assuming that this person wants this to work as much as you do. When something comes up that seems confusing or you’re unsure how to interpret it, just use your words and ask them. Don’t try to think six moves ahead in some game of 3-dimensional chess, don’t crowdsource the answer, just ask for clarity. You’ll be amazed at how much sense things start making when you stop trying to read minds or practice relationship Kremlinology.
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And to forestall the obvious: yeah, shitty people exist. There are people out there who treat dating and relationships this way and will pull shit like this to see how you react. Those people are not the norm; they are rare, they are usually screamingly obvious and – importantly – they’re easily avoided. If someone wants to play games, then let them.

Because at the end of the day, the only way to win… is not to play.

How Do Our Relationships Change As We Age?

After a brief break to allow our producer/ADHD-wrangler to get married, Dr. Liz and I are back with a new episode of Do As We Say (Not As They Did). This week, Dr. Liz and I talk with women's health pioneer Wendy Stragr to talk about sex, aging, menopause, failing relationships and making lube in your kitchen.
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No, that wasn't a gag. We literally talk about this.
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It's a fascinating conversation that goes to some unexpected places, and damn if it doesn't earn the explicit tag this week. And of course, we dig into some Reddit stories of people's struggles with menopause and sex as we get older. It's content-restricted for some obvious reasons on YouTube so you'll need to sign in... or you can listen in at our website and everywhere fine podcasts are distributed.

Shameless Commerce!

Random Open Tabs

What I'm reading: The current tome sitting at the top of my TBR pile is Wickhills by Preeme Mohamed, a novel of espionage and statecraft in an urban fantasy setting. A world-weary, streetwise secret agent's routine mission sets off an unexpected chain of events that leaves him on the run, unable to trust his handler or the agency he works for. Now armed only with his wits and his illicit network of informants and irregulars, Ferec has to determine who is friend and who is foe while he tries to survive long enough to uncover a secret that could destroy the six remaining city-states left in the world. I'm digging it; it turns out that John LeCarre and urban fantasy go together like peanut butter and pretzels. (Affiliate link)

What I'm Watching: We're at the start of Spooky Season (or have never left it...) and so there's nothing like setting the mood with In Search of Darkness - an incredibly well-done documentary about 80s horror movies – a year by year rundown of the highlights (and a few lowlights) of the most formative year for cinematic horror. Chock full of interviews with various directors, actors, make up and special effects masters, it's a great way to kick off the best month of the year.

What I'm Listening To: You know who always manages to make games with unexpectedly great soundtracks? Remedy Games, that's who. Control: Resonant, the sequel to 2019's Control has been fun to play and in keeping with their other games, the soundtrack absolutely slaps. If you found yourself grooving to "Herald of Darkness", then go check out Zoe's Mixtape for an idea for some of what to expect in Resonant....

Call To Action!

As usual, I'm always taking questions for Ask Dr. NerdLove, so if you're looking for some help with finding your special someone as we move into the snuggle season or you want advice on how to take your relationship to the next level, don't forget to drop me a line via the contact form!​

That's gonna do it for now. Stay safe and be good to yourselves and I'll be seeing you again soon...

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